When filling in your new calendar, start with the fixed, non-negotiable events, including:
· Birthdays/Holidays
· Consistent monthly weekly/monthly meetings
· School calendar (days off, testing dates, etc.)
· Standing volunteer commitments
Then, you can start adding in additional activities.
And, finally, you are ready to add in activity schedules, doctor appointments, time with friends, etc.
Over the weekend, I read Know My Name: A Memoir by Chanel Miller for one of my book clubs.
Chanel was originally known to us as Emily Doe, the 2015 sexual assault victim of Brock Turner.
What I found most powerful was Chanel’s ability to describe her feelings and thoughts. She eloquently took us along with her on the day of the assault and waking up in the hospital. I felt I was with her as she moved through her days working with the police and district attorney.
Most importantly, Chanel took us with her in her suffering.
How she felt about her body, her fears about how others would view her and her ability to survive. I felt I stood by her side as she decided to fight – not only her rapist, but the system of entitlement, oppression and justice.
While her case received a lot of media attention because it happened on the Stanford University campus, the media and court perpetuated the rape culture full of victim blaming and shaming. (BTW, Stanford University, SHAME ON YOU for backing out of your agreements with Chanel. For your inability to put safety and healing first.) Chanel put it so eloquently when she stated,
Yes!!! I had never heard it put so beautifully.
Eighteen month after the sexual assault, Chanel’s wrote and read her victim impact statement at the sentencing trial. Her D.A. immediately recognized how power of her statement and received permission connected Chanel to Katie J.M. Baker, a BuzzFeed author. Baker chose to publish the statement in its entirety, and without edits, on BuzzFeed on June 3, 2016. https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra
Within minutes, thousands of people around the world read, loved and commented on Chanel’s statement. By the end of the first day, the numbers reached into the millions.
She gave words to many of their experiences.
Chanel, your story of suffering, self-advocacy and healing is truly inspiring!
Here in Illinois, we have reached Stage 4 in the Restore Illinois plan. People feel free, rather than imprisoned and there is a level of excitement that has not existed for months. I can feel a buzz in the air as folks make plans reconnect with friends and family.
Yet, I’m wondering if this excitement means we have lost touch with the original meaning of the 4th of July.
We fought to have a voice. We fought for independence. And we fought for equality
How many of us remember the aspirations outlined in the Preamble to the Declaration of Independence?
We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness; that to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.
I am particularly struck by the statement “all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their creator.”
I can’t help but think that our collective creator, whomever or whatever that may be to you, meant “men” to be an all-inclusive word. Yet, we know our country was also founded by and through oppression.
I, like many of you, experience dissonance when I think about our values compared to our history, our legacy.
All people hold value and are valuable. We are, at the core, the same. We all strive for connection. It gives meaning to our lives and helps us find our place. Doesn’t that mean we’re equal? Doesn’t this mean we deserve opportunities on an equal basis?
The fact that some continue to answer “no” means we must keep working and evolving individually and collectively. We need to continue to honor and fight for that freedom and equality. Fight the shame that comes with racism (and all the “isms”).
Become an agent of change for equality.
Over the weekend I am going to be that agent by reading White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo. I also commit to being an agent for change by watching movies and documentaries that shed light on issues of oppression.
By diving into my discomfort, and holding myself accountable for my racist thoughts and actions, I hope to open that door for you. I invite you to join me on this journey of self-reflection and change.
Before I go, I do feel it is important to remind everyone to be aware of our soldiers this 4th of July weekend. While many typically enjoy amazing fireworks shows and some partake in personal fireworks, please remember the sounds of fireworks is often very triggering for our soldiers. Please be considerate of our heroes, who fight for our independence, and re-think using fireworks. Thank you!
Over the past two weeks, I have had many conversations about racism and what I have noticed is we need to begin by understanding racial identity development.
People of all skin colors and races go through an unconscious process of seeing themselves as having a particular skin color or race in the preschool years.
Beyond the rudimentary identification of skin color, we then develop ideas of what it means to be that skin color/race and what it means to be a different color/race.
From there, we can look at two models.
Janet Helms created a model for racial and ethnic identity development for White people in 1990.
William Cross developed the Nigrescence Model for Black People in 1991. The Nigrescence Model can be applied to people in other racial and ethnic groups.
Many of you are struggling with how to help. How to feel empowered to change the system(s). It starts here. Look inside yourself and see if you can identify what stage you fall within. If you need help understanding this and determining where you are, please feel free to reach out via email or a phone call.
Never stop growing.
The key to making this decision was interpretation of the word “sex.” In the past, sex referred to gender only. We now know that “sex” in the eyes of the Supreme Court refers not just to gender identification, but also includes sexual orientation.
Other than the June 26, 2015 decision to legalize same sex marriages, this decision is one of the most significant rulings in respect to LGBTQ+ community. While the ruling specifically addresses discrimination in the workplace, it also opens the door for future discrimination cases against the LGBTQ+ community in other arenas.
Thank you Associate Justices Neil M. Gorsuch, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Stephen G. Breyer, Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor and Chief Justice John G. Roberts for your support and respect for the rights of all!!!
I have been chatting with Dr. Ragsdale over the past couple of days. His letter was shared via the Illinois Psychological Association listserv. I found it very powerful. With many of my sessions this week focusing on processing George Floyd’s murder, I continue to seek resources to help as you process your own reactions. As our conversation continues, I will happily share resources.
Please feel free to reach out if you need a place to talk. We’ve had a lot to manage over the past 4 months. I am here for you.
What happens to divorcing couples in the middle of a pandemic?
Where can parents go for help with custody disputes when the courts are closed?
Families are in crisis, and they don’t know where to turn.
On May 27th at 12:00 p.m. (CST), the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals is hosting a FREE information session about Collaborative Practice and its benefits.
Learn new ways to get your clients the help they need and expand your local referral network.
Local civic, social, business, religious, and community groups, as well as professional associations, are invited.
As a service provider, you see firsthand how COVID-19 is devastating our community. Let’s work together to provide solutions.
Seats are limited. Register now.
https://www.collaborativepractice.com/civicrm/event/register?reset=1&id=83
I had planned on writing about grief later in the month, but after my 99-year-old grandmother passed on Sunday, I decided it makes more sense for me to talk about grief now.
“Grief is what we feel inside. Mourning is what we experience and show to others on the outside. So I can never see your grief or judge your grief by whether or not you’re crying or angry or upset. Only you will ever know your grief.” David Kessler
In my experience, those of you who find a way to mourn have a healthier path to healing. Holding on to your grief can be destructive in small or big ways. It can also impact you years down the road.
Mourning can include traditions of attending a funeral and going to a wake or Shiva. Maybe you participate in a collective bathing and dressing of your loved one. Maybe you say prayers. Others might light a candle, wear a piece of jewelry or clothing, and/or make a donation or plant a tree. Mourning is an individual, and can be a collective, process. I encourage you to find something that is meaningful for you.
A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to Brene Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, and her discussion with grief expert, David Kessler. (https://brenebrown.com/podcast/david-kessler-and-brene-on-grief-and-finding-meaning/) In his newest book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, David discussing this healing step that helps folks “move on.” (Though I have to tell you, I find the phrases “move on” or “get over it” diminishing and hurtful.)
Finding meaning is a way to help us understand and remember those you lost to death with a focus on loving memories rather than pain. He shows us how to move forward in a way that honors our loved ones.
This really stood out to me as this is the struggle I see when working with those of you dealing with grief. I have often seen acceptance delayed because someone cannot find meaning to the loss of their loved ones.
I know when I think about my grandmother, or “grams” as I always called her, I am fortunate to have a lot of positive memories. Her laugh, her favorite drink, all the summers spent in the backyard pool and garden are just some of them. There are ways I will mourn now and will continue to mourn and honor her throughout my life.
If you need help processing your grief and healing, please reach out. I am here for you.
The concept of a LOVE BANK was first developed by Dr. William Harley in 1986. It is how you consciously or unconsciously keep track of how others treat you.
Like a bank that holds our money, making more deposits than withdrawals are one way to ensure you have successful, healthy relationships.
In evaluating your “account,” first evaluate if you are overdrawn and if the withdrawals tend to happen more often and/or are larger than your deposits. You might need to work on your instincts and habits that consistently make withdrawals.
I have found it is important to know how deposits in your bank can be made so others do not have to guess or “mind read.” Our emotional needs typically fall within 5 categories, or love languages, which were developed by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992. They are:
.
Over the years, I have found people tend to show their love in the ways they feel loved. Therefore, it is crucial each person identifies specific behaviors within each category that make them feel loved.
For example, if you like to sit next to your partner on the couch but your partner wants their space, you might feel rejected. Or, if you help your partner by researching something on the Internet and telling them what to do, while they want to make their own decision, this could lead to anger and resentment.
So…identify your love languages by taking this super simple test, https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/, come up with a list of at least 10 examples for each of your top categories and share it with others!
