Brings you a parenting tip
In this past week, there has been a common theme of communication problems with the couples with which I am working. Specifically, making assumptions.
Many of you have likely heard the saying, don’t make assumptions because they make an
ASS out of U and ME.
It can be a good guideline, though not completely bad or avoidable. I usually tell folks there are some safe assumptions in relationships. For example, if you are out to eat and a family member is in the bathroom when the server takes drink orders, and if you know that person’s usual drink, you can safely assume ordering that drink for them would be okay.
A common mistake I have seen this week, and over the years, is that folks believe they know what a person is thinking or means by their words and/or actions. Whether you know someone for 6 months, 6 years, or 6 decades, there is no guarantee your assumptions are correct.
Best practice is to ask for clarification.
Some ways to do this include:
- I think I heard you say…., is this correct?
- The story in my head is…., is this correct?
- My assumption is…., is this correct?
Notice the commonalities between these examples is two-fold. First, speaking from the first-person perspective. You are sharing your thoughts. Second, the double-checking. Ask for validation of your perspective while also giving the second person a chance to correct your assumption.
The first part of communication is being a good listener. Being a good listener means you must make sure you hear and process the information being shared correctly.
Try to engage with others with an open mind and approach with curiosity. Stay tuned for more thoughts about communication on Relationship Wisdom Wednesdays.
creating closeness and transforming relationships from the inside out.
A common question I am asked is “how do we develop our sense of self-worth and a positive self-esteem?”
From my perspective, our self-worth begins to form in infancy. As a newborn, we sense our value through basic caretaking – keep me fed and keep me comfortable. When we show delight in children through skin-to-skin contact, replication of sounds (playing), and learning how to interpret the early “talking” of the various cries, babies feel our love and connection.
There are countless ways we can continue to show children they are valuable, worthy, and loveable as they grow. We start with the basic needs and pay attention to many other needs as infants become, toddlers who then become preschoolers, and school-aged children. Those school-aged kids keep on growing until they are in middle school or junior high ending up in high school. (Yes, some follow that up with further education, but for simplicity’s sake, you will hopefully, allow me a bit of leeway. 😊)
The time with “good enough” adults lays our foundation
and we also hope children find other relationships that help them
feel that same sense of belonging, connectedness, value, and trust.
As peers become a bigger influence and children begin to experience disappointment and hurt, parents can help their children learn to identify, understand, and value their emotions. Parents will continue to be that “safe space” kids can come back to no matter how old they are. They will also teach their children how to identify, express, and then manage their emotions. How to problem-solve and advocate for themselves. The art of forgiveness, while learning how to accept feedback, use it appropriately and move past the words and actions that come to us with the intention of harm.
Teaching children it is okay to hurt because they can use those experiences to learn and grow. Helping them see the difference between hurt and harm. Reenforcing the value and respect that has been taught along the path of life.
While our healthy and good-enough parents will always be our safe space, we strive for the independence to live life as healthy adults. We will continue to choose people who will find joy in us, see the value, give the respect, maintain the connection, and demonstrate love and affection.
And this, my friends, is the journey of positive self-esteem that includes self-worth and value in ourselves, as well as the desire to continue to grow and learn.
For those of you who had parents who were unable to take you along this path, or who had parents who experienced bumps in the road taking you all off track, detours, dead ends, and accidents, YOU are in the driver’s seat now. You can choose your path and find your value and self-worth and love.
As E.E. Cummings so eloquently stated,
“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”
Finding that space on your own, circles back to those adult relationships you find, create, and bring into your life. Friends and mentors can help you connect to that sacred space of belongingness and love. Sometimes, you would benefit from working with a good psychologist or therapist.
If you find yourself struggling and uncertain, please feel free to reach out. Remember, Relationship Solutions Center focuses on
creating closeness and transforming relationships from the inside out.
I was with a client earlier this week. This client truly suffered in childhood and was raised in a toxic, unhealthy home. There was significant emotional and psychological abuse, leading to a sense of self-worth that their only role in life is to take care of others.
This brought them to me because this view of themself contributed to marrying someone who was also emotionally, psychologically, and financially abusive. The spouse convinced them they had a personality disorder, that all the problems they faced were their fault and made it impossible for my client to have access to significant financial resources.
The other day, as we talked about the abuse growing up, I realized they had no sense of what healthy parenting involved. Because of this, they also were unsure of what healthy adult friendships and romantic relationships involved.
As we ended the session, it made me think about Family Friday. I want to help people understand what healthy parenting involves. This is the cornerstone of both physical and mental health.
Since my thoughts are racing, I am going to take time to put some information together. In the meantime, I do want to share the Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto Brené Brown wrote in 2012. It is a good starting point.
I hope this gets you thinking. Feel free to comment below with your thoughts about what children deserve and have the right to expect from their parents.
Happy New Year
and I hope you enjoy spending relaxing, fun, quality time with your family!
Thank you for reading my blog. Please click “like” and share on your Social Media platforms. I also encourage you to reach out to me directly if you would like to talk further or if you have any questions. General comments are certainly welcome on this blog or if you got here through Facebook or LinkedIn.
In the past, I have talked about “love banks,” for individuals. We also have love banks for each relationship we are in – from family to friends to coworkers to romantic partners.
Just like a financial bank account, your deposits into the various love banks need to exceed your withdrawals or else you are “in the red” and the account is depleted.
In a relationship, the withdrawals consist of various behaviors, including but not limited:
- Sarcasm
- Ridiculing
- Threatening
- Accusing
- Labeling
- Taunting
- Laughing
- Blaming
- Failures or missed opportunities to meet the other persons’ needs.
When withdrawals happen, it chips away at the relationship, causing disconnection. Eventually, if we continue to withdraw from the love bank without making deposits, the relationship is depleted. It is crucial we make daily deposits into the love bank.
Check out this Relationship Love Bank for some ideas for types of deposits you can make in your relationships.
What are your favorite ways to add deposits into your relationship love banks?
Who are all these people on Relationship Solutions Center website?
Along with some of my collaborative colleagues, I have put an ad in the Illinois Psychological Association (IPA) quarterly newsletter that was published and distributed on Friday, April 16th.
Our hope is to educate psychologists about the benefits of collaborative divorce. As you know, or can imagine, psychologists are right there with folks as they make the difficult decision about the future of their relationship. While my general view is to work toward improving a relationship, there are times it is best for a couple (or throuple) to go their separate ways.
How does Dr. Irgang work with folks who are struggling in their relationships?
My guide is always safety first. If there is evidence of domestic violence, I help the victim create a safe space.
Outside of safety, my goal is to help change happen. I have a lot of thoughts about change, but most important in these situations is to
try to create change if both people are willing, capable and ready to change.
(a frequent quote by Dr. Irgang)
When a person works to create change, yet still feels unhappy or dissatisfied, the best solution for them might be divorce.
What if change doesn’t happen?
In this case, I truly feel Collaborative Divorce is the best option. Collaborative Divorce allows couples to:
- Maintain control of the decisions and process
- Allows the ability to think outside the box, while respecting statutes/state laws
- Keeps the process private and out of court (until the final papers are ready)
- Get the necessary help managing emotions (particularly during negotiations), improve conflict resolution skills and improve communication. This is especially crucial if you have children together. Even if you don’t have children together, the skills you will learn can help in other relationships – both personal and professional.
If you are thinking about, or are ready to transition to this next stage of your life, please reach out to myself or one of my colleagues. We are happy to explain the process in more detail. We are there for you every step of the way!
What happens to divorcing couples in the middle of a pandemic?
Where can parents go for help with custody disputes when the courts are closed?
Families are in crisis, and they don’t know where to turn.
Collaborative Practice is an internationally-recognized method created to help divorcing couples, and parents manage divorce and child custody matters peacefully without the courts.
On May 27th at 12:00 p.m. (CST), the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals is hosting a FREE information session about Collaborative Practice and its benefits.
Learn new ways to get your clients the help they need and expand your local referral network.
Local civic, social, business, religious, and community groups, as well as professional associations, are invited.
As a service provider, you see firsthand how COVID-19 is devastating our community. Let’s work together to provide solutions.
Seats are limited. Register now.
https://www.collaborativepractice.com/civicrm/event/register?reset=1&id=83
A love bank is how you feel connected, cared about and valued by others.
The concept of a LOVE BANK was first developed by Dr. William Harley in 1986. It is how you consciously or unconsciously keep track of how others treat you.
Like a bank that holds our money, making more deposits than withdrawals are one way to ensure you have successful, healthy relationships.
In evaluating your “account,” first evaluate if you are overdrawn and if the withdrawals tend to happen more often and/or are larger than your deposits. You might need to work on your instincts and habits that consistently make withdrawals.
I have found it is important to know how deposits in your bank can be made so others do not have to guess or “mind read.” Our emotional needs typically fall within 5 categories, or love languages, which were developed by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992. They are:
- Words of affirmation – being encouraging, acknowledging positives, etc.
- Acts of service – helping in ways that are meaningful to the other person
- Receiving gifts – anything from a card up to something more extravagant
- Quality time – spending time together in ways that are meaningful to the other person
- Physical touch – showing physical affection
.
Over the years, I have found people tend to show their love in the ways they feel loved. Therefore, it is crucial each person identifies specific behaviors within each category that make them feel loved.
For example, if you like to sit next to your partner on the couch but your partner wants their space, you might feel rejected. Or, if you help your partner by researching something on the Internet and telling them what to do, while they want to make their own decision, this could lead to anger and resentment.
So…identify your love languages by taking this super simple test, https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/, come up with a list of at least 10 examples for each of your top categories and share it with others!
You will find you feel more connected, valued, and loved!
I invite you to celebrate Happy Metamour Day by learning something about
non-monogamy
A metamour is a partner of your partner, but with whom you don’t share a romantic relationship.
So, a metamour can be a spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, play partner, dominant, submissive, etc. There are many types of relationships your partner can be involved in (outside of friends and family) that will also touch your life.
Related to a metamour, you might hear folks talk about compersion. Compersion describes the joy a partner feels when they view or experience their partners joy with a metamour.
If you would like to celebrate Happy Metamour Day, here are some cards for you to use! (courtesy of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and positivelypolyanna.net)
https://www.positivelypolyanna.net/metamourday.html
